Jersey.Girl.Genius

The Snatchlorette Strikes Again

Never before has an episode of The Bachelorette been so hyped.  Bloggers and faithful followers everywhere have been speculating for weeks about who the fantasy suite flop would be - going as far as analyzing stills and body hair from the previews and then matching the room to the proper hotel chain in Maui. Even I'm not that CSI about the whole thing.  Geez.

Given Kryptonite's homo status (takes one to know one, people)  I was sure that he'd be the wet noodle in this hunky reality pad thai.  He certainly must have been able to draw an elaborate mental picture of Jake wearing flamenco pants, in order to get the puff tent to cooperate on command.  Kudos to Krypt for not letting his gayness spoil a perfectly good day of pole climbing in Hula land.  Well done, you.

I, for one, was happy that it wasn't Reid who couldn't *show* Jillian how he felt about her.  Sure, he might not have the words she was looking for,  but who needs words when your penis can speak the international language?  After all his charming Spanglish and pantomiming in Spain, I developed a real affinity for the guy.

 

Let the Team Reid t-shirt empire begin.

Jillian, you crazy wingnut!  Why must you disappoint the masses by picking the hairy boring guy who wears short shorts? Did you see that little green marble bag he had on?  He's lucky the boys didn't pop out for their own cameo during the cliff jumping shot.

It was the snoozefest ED who lived up to his name in the bedroom.  It's possible that the only way ED can get aroused is if he stumbles upon a job posting for a Flash developer.  I don't care how tired or sunburned you are.  The penis is always willing to party.  Right, Patty?  After all, this isn't their first date and they need not abide by Millionaire Matchmaker rules.  In the land of The Snatch, you must take the Loch Ness Monster for a test drive through Bush Gardens before the deal is done.  Let me put this another way ...

If he's not showing you his big lei, then honey, he's just not that into you.

Do I think Jilly picked the wrong hot dog?  Yes.  Do I think Ed is a closeted kraut & chili cheese dog guy?  Definitely.  Do I think Kryptonite likes Twinks more than dogs?  Oh hell yes.  Do I think Reid was the only sincere guy on the show who could also hold an intelligent conversation.  Um, you bet your sweet ass I do.

Here's hoping that Reid magically re-appears during the finale, carrying a hot dog with ketchup, after either the gay guy or the boring guy backs out.  If not, then I hope he sells some multi-million dollar properties in Philly as a result of being on the show.  Come se dice, cha-ching?

When Love Comes Sleazy

Time for some Bachelorette highlights in 60-seconds, brought to you by la gente simpatico at Iberia Airlines:

 

The Batch was off to Spain for picnics in the park, wet-t-shirt fountain romps, perpetual snogging and birds with one damn foot.

Wes suffers from bird-in-the-hand-worth-two-in-the-bush disorder and can't seem to get cozy with Jillian

Kryptonite  confesses that a proposal "doesn't seem imminent" right before he dons some skin tight flamenco pants with matching Bolero jacket.  Perhaps his gayness is getting in the way?

Reid failed 7th Grade Spanish, but remembered the important things, like how to say I'm BIG and I'm really physically attracted to you and como se dice is that sausage bigger than my sausage?

Ed strolled Sevilla in fashion jeans with a big manly watch, while jumping into sacred fountains, horse & carriage rides and man-handling lil' Jilly all over the city.

I'm glad Ed is back, but the guy seems like a big ol' bulging bump on a log.  Nice for a one night romp in the orange tree fields, but what would you talk about in the morning?  Aside from his apparent obsession with Lion King, The Musical.  Ho hum.

Ed:  Have you seen my computer?  It's big.
Jillian:  You showed me your mouse last night, remember?
Ed:  Yeah, I know, but you didn't read the love note I wrote you in Javascript.

Ed is a geeky snoozefest.  A good-looking, intelligent snoozefest, mind you, but a snoozefest none the less.  He's more along the lines of what I'd call a trophy hunk: a trunk.  Trunks are fun to look at, but lack other important qualities, like the ability to hold a conversation.  I bet Ed likes gigabytes of ram on his hot dog.  Oh Ed.  Why did you quit your day job?

Reid, on the other hand, is adorable.  Jillian should pick Reid, but in the end, I think she'll disappoint.  If the teaser is true, sounds like Reid isn't able to rise to the occasion in the Hawaii fantasy suite.  I sincerely hope that's a bogus rumor.  My guess is that Mr. Ed will win the final rose.  Boooooor-innnngggg. He's yet to impress.

When will she put the final two in a room and ask them to whip up some hot dogs?  If Ed reaches for the raw onions, things might change for Reid rather quickly.  Until then, I'm like, completely attracted to this show.  If it keeps getting better each week, like it has been, then that's great, that's what we both want.  Que bonita.

Stay huge, Reid.

Hasta Pronto, Amigos!
JGG (who is very big in Chihuahua)

My Song

My nephew Julian sings Labi Siffre's "My Song" circa 1972.  It's his favorite song.  Who needs Elmo? Julian Sings

Paula Deen's Little Giracle

Thank god for Bravo TV.  I am so happy that Kathy Griffin's Life On The D List has finally returned for another fabulous season.  It felt like a big ol' gay Christmas morning in my house, watching Kathy Griffin, Miss Paula Deen and (her gay assistant) Brandon "Pour Me Another" Branch packed into a single episode.  Life doesn't get much better than this.  Feel free to skip to around 8:30 in the clip below, where you will see Paula's assistant Brandon on his sixth gin & tonic, in all of his faggy, deep-fried glory.

Is it wrong that I want to spoon Paula Deen?  I want to be her cabana boy.  I want to fetch her mint juleps and tell her when she needs to add more lard to her pecan pies.  *Sigh*  The way she flours naked chicken wings with her bare hands, unafraid of plunging those bejeweled fingers into a vat of Crisco.  Paula Deen is my kind of woman.  Hell, I'd even follow around her dogs, coming to the rescue of any "turd alert" emergencies in a matter of seconds.

Sure, Paula loves to laugh and she might even tuck her house guests into bed at night. But the real reason why I love Miss Deen? She just loves making meals that average 3,000 calories per serving. 

God bless your heart, my sweet southern princess.  If you were to whip me up a burger like the one below, complete with bacon and cheese, sandwiched between two sugar glazed donuts, I'd eat every single bite, y'all.