Record breaking voter turnout is expected tomorrow, which means one thing ... we'll be standing in record breaking LINES, waiting to cast our votes for cha-cha-cha-change. Here are some of my suggestions for making the most of your time spent upright.
10. Practice Yoga for Voters by doing the Obama Salutation.
A slight variation on the well known "Sun Salutation" - the Obama Salutation invites practitioners to experience the release of bodily gasses directed at the McCain supporter standing behind you. For detailed instructions as to when might be the best time to let that gas fly, please see this helpful video.
9. Call your mom.
She's called you twice this week and although it just never seems like a good time, you do have some time to kill. Look, she'll be grateful that you didn't call her from the car on that weird wireless "bluedawg" ear thingy you use.
8. Call a friend for your STD test results.
Of course, you need a friend who is willing to play along, so don't drag your friend with you to vote. Always a crowd pleaser, you'll be amazed at how quickly you can create more "personal space" for yourself with this gem. I like to bring up the topic when in crowded elevators as well - saying things like:
Are you sure you can't see the sore? It was really obvious before I applied make-up. Do you think he'll care that I'm highly contageous? I thought better to see him now, like this, before my skin starts to fall off. That's going to be a really bad day.
7. Wear a T-Shirt that says: (Front of Tee) I Voted. Twice. (Back of Tee) ACORN
Nothing like a little homemade controversy to spark conversations with strangers. You might also get bumped to the front of the line, too, in order to speak with the authorities. Now that's a perk. What might some other line jumping tactics be, you ask?
6. Borrow a prop baby.
Let prop baby hang motionless from your left shoulder while you greet fellow voters. This is yet another good way to sneak up in line. If you can make said prop baby cry or emit any sound what-so-ever, you might get bumped to stand with the folks from the nursing home. Total bonus!
5. Talk, LOUDLY, about that bad Mexican food you had last night.
Again, helpful for creating personal space if you find yourself in front or behind a close talker. It's also an essential first step in creating the illusion that you just might crap yourself at any given moment. This can create panic and hysteria if not done correctly, so make sure that you don't scream fire in the crowded theater. Kindly let those around you know that you can't get out of line to find a bathroom, but might request special treatment before the dreaded rocket ass gets the best of you.
4. Call T-Mobile to resolve that pesky billing issue and/or ask Comcast to downgrade your service.
I've unsuccessfully attempted both of these annoying "to-do's" this week and had to hang up before a live person came to answer my call. While the hold time varies, here's a very good way to kill about 30 minutes AND get something done in the process. Make sure they don't get rid of the Bravo channel though. Rachel Zoe will be back next year. I know, right? I die too. Bananas.
3. Break up with someone via text message.
Anything can happen on 11/4. If the worst does happen, you'll want to make sure you've cut ties with those who were really bringing you down. Look - it's going to be crowded and not everyone wants to hear about why your boyfriend needs to brush up on his personal hygiene. You might need to kindly remind him that you told him you're allergic to onions and that you didn't apreciate his eating that meatball sub before coming over last night. He gave you HIVES, that load. Dump his lazy ass. If he replies and tries to start some serious drama, you just don't have the time for that sweetheart. There are ballots to be cast and new boyfriends to meet while doing the Obama Salutation.
2. Send a text to the McCain campaign and tell them you can see russia from your house - scratch that - Tell them you can see Cindy McCain's bra through her blouse.
Oh wait. I take that back. McCain hasn't gotten rid of the rotary phone yet. No text message fees apply here because, well, they don't have a text msg campaign. Buggery boo.
1. Plan a victory party while reading The Secret in line.
Oprah swears by this folks, so it must full proof. There are three higher powers that Oprah believes in that we must all follow. These would be:
John Travolta, Maya Angelou and The Secret.
It's the reason why she was able to find Gayle in the first place. The universe brought them together because Oprah practices the power of manifestation like a Secret ZenMaster Voodoo Goddess. Did I say Gayle? I meant Stedman. Shoot. The universe brought Stedman to Oprah. Of course. Damn, I always do that. They kind of look alike though. Especially when they were at the Miraballe spa and Gayle didn't have time to put her face on. I get Larry King and the cranky old man from the muppets confused too.
