That's right, I can sniff them out and spot them from ten yards away. No one is safe. Want to know if someone's had "work" or is sporting a new nose? You've come to the right place.
Dancing With The Stars is on as I type and a new toup has just come into view. Hello, Dolly!
Meet Jonathan Roberts. Jonathan is the 2008 "Smooth" Dance Champion and holds several impressive Latin dance titles. He's also sporting one of the worst toups on primetime. ABC, how can you let this happen? His rug scores a -1 in my book. Here's how you can spot a fake and endlessly impress loved ones with your toup-a-rific expertise:
1. The crown doesn't match the coiffe.
Look for discoloration between crown and top of head or an "unnatural" blending of layers
2. Wigs don't move. Ever.
This guy spins and flips all over the place and the sturdy toup doesn't budge. Not even a sweaty breeze or faux-hand-through-hair move can make a single follicle blow in the wind.
3. The Caesar cut is out.
I highly doubt Jonathan would willingly opt for this do. I didn't even accept that it was ever "in" - but I do recall a few of these hair dont's floating around in the 90's.
*Disclaimer on the Caesar*
Apparently the Caesar cut is kinda/sorta ok if you are a hot runway model walking for Versace at Fashion Week.
4. A faux hair gap is present. I call this a "hair balcony."
If you look closely (put the Tivo on pause and stare at Jonathan's head during judging) then you'll notice that the front of his faux hair fringe isn't touching the top of his head. It juts out, leaving a noticeable toup gap between faux wig and tippy top of forehead. Another known offender sporting a hair balcony would be Clinton Kelly from What Not To Wear. A bit harder to detect due to the fact that he often chooses to style his wig into a faggy faux hawk, you'll have to trust me on this one. I know something Clinton shouldn't wear ... and it's not in his closet.
Bald is beautiful. Embrace that shiny head, lads. Free your wig and the bliss will follow.
