A big ass pipe broke in the basement yesterday. Big Ass is the technical name, you might also know it as a "PVC elbow." Said pipe had been taking rainwater from the roof out to the sewers without incident for more than three years running. The cause of the pipe-splosion was not immediately known ... Yet upon further investigation, it was revealed to one Jersey Girl Genius what had actually caused the breach...
A note to fellow condo association members ... This is not an admission of guilt, but rather, a recounting of the unfortunate circumstance that has affected our rainwater runoff pipe and the current condition of the basement floor. Pseudo butchie cannot be held accountable for the rat proofing actions she took nearly six months prior that may or may not have lead to the pipesplosion.
I really need to attend a weekend workshop for Butchie hopefulls. Know of a place I can brush up on my "girlfriend plays the role of Joe from Facts of Life" skills, when repairs need to be made? Lessons need not be that in depth. Maybe "changing blown out tires, 101," "why super-glue lives up to its name," or "how to use a masonry bit without winding up in the ER," you know, that kind of stuff.
You may or may not recall that I wrote about a rat emerging in our toilet last November, which I dutifully handled with the ease of an animal naturalist on safari, thank you very much. Post rat debacle, I was on high alert. Every hole on the outside of the condo was a nesting place for rats, every crumb left on the floor, a rattatouille feast for vermins carrying the typhoid. During my McGyver/Murder She Wrote investigation period, I noticed that the rainwater drain pipe on the exterior of our building lacked meshing. That's right, I said meshing....which automatically translated to the following:
aha! look here, jersey! an easy fix!! giant rodents will climb up the pipe and recreate, much like you used slip n' slide as a wee knee biter. must take self to ace hardware to remedy the situation at once ...
Off to the hardware store I went. Purchased some mesh, wire cutters and a metal clamp that would hold the much-needed drain screen in place. After some self-congratulatory chest puffing and grunting, I forgot all about my mesh handiwork. That is, until yesterday... Apparently the aforementioned mesh had collected a bit of sludge these past months. I've questioned whether or not the rainwater was able to drain properly, causing a buildup of pressure in the pipe and the "Iceberg, Dead Ahead" moment we witnessed in the basement.
Moral of the story here folks, don't trust a pseudo butchie with home repair. Better yet, don't fasten a mesh screen to your rainwater pipe with a metal clamp that can't dislodge itself under pressure. I'd rather have rats visit my toilet than re-enact scenes from the titanic in my basement. At least I know how to get rid of a rat ... Rubber gloves, tongs, trash, disinfect, Febreze.
A very special thank you to the gaybors is in order (where a real butch resides.) They own not one, but three Wet Dry Vacs. I clearly did not receive the guiding principals of lesbian home ownership manual, which lists owning a wet dry vac and having built a retaining wall (and/or) backyard fence as pre-requisites to domestic bliss.
As I sit and recount my utter failure as a handywoman (and wait for the plumber to come and assess the damage) the rain has kicked up a bit. In another thirty minutes, I'll have to go down to the basement and empty the water that's been collecting in a giant garbage can. Meanwhile, I'm doing my own little rain dance, praying for sunshine. Listening to Toto sing Africa, picturing the dry desert plains and wondering who let Tootise play drums in the band?
