On the off chance that you've been a) living under a rock or b) prefer reading a good book to reality tv, I thought you should know that Jillian Harris is the new Bachelorette this season. She's also the Canuck talkin', hot dog toppin', boots wearin', country song lovin', midriff showin' girl who was handed the dreaded friend card in Kiwiland by the short and slimy Snatchelor last season. I consider her the lucky one.
This time, it looks as though Jillian's been handed a crop of cauliflower-eared meatheads to choose from (save for a few diamonds in the rough) that will probably suffer the same fate. Most intriguing, however; would be the staggering number of gays who turned up for the audition and actually wound up on the show. Whatchyoutalkin' bout Willis? My gaydar registered a 12 on a scale of 1-10 with some of these hunky fairies. What's that you say Producers? Not enough straight guys with ripped abs showed up for the auditions? I have a new hot dog theory. This one's called ... who would you like to see holding a weiner. Works like a charm.
A) Jillian half naked in the hot tub
or
B) Chris Harrison wearing nothing but house slippers and a thong
Did The Bachelorette hold casting calls in the same building as the Dancing With The Stars ass shaking, pro samba hopefuls? Some of these guys look like they aspire to land recurring roles on General Hospital, with the bleached chops, faux hawks and Boflex bods to prove it. Case in point, foot fetish boy, also known as Tanner P.
Tanner, I admire your drive to succeed and your willingness to let nothing come between you and your dream of uber-stardom. But dragging your homo arse into the mansion, snuggling up next to breakdancer mike and then perving on Jillian's toes in the pool does not a soapy star make. May you wake up tomorrow, surrounded by hammer toes and bunions.
So far, my flame count has reached Defcon 4. Sasha (the Ben Stiller look-alike), Fetish Boy, Breakdancer and Juan. Once Jill decides to put my hot dog theory to the test, all will be revealed. Until then, a song for Tanner P.
My weiner has a first name
It's P-E-R-V-Y
My weiner has a second name
It's Bunions Make Me Cry
I love the pedi every day
And if you ask me why I'll say ....
Cuz ...
I sure hope to run away
with
M - I - K - E any day.
