Took in yet another episode of The Bachelorette last night, which left me feeling a bit empty inside. Kleenex really should be sponsoring this show, in tandem with Oscar Meyer. Miss Jillian cries hard and she cries often. Can you blame her? The one and only guy who might not have been either gay and/or seeking a career in television has left the building. Adios, EdTV, we will miss you, your fashion jeans and your sometimes awkwardly placed overly-gelled bangs.
It's a tragedy of epic proportions that Foot Fetish Boy is still alive and well, despite the fact that he's so homo, he's on fire. I think I saw flames burst from his spock ears in one particular scene. You know, the scene where he's wearing his gay belt and ankle socks, lounging on the couch next to the other gays. I wonder if it's Tanner P who can't "perform" in the bedroom, when the fantasy suite cards are dealt? Had there been a life-size pinup of Jake plastered to the bedroom wall, I think he would have done just fine. Well done on the erectile dysfunction teaser, ABC. You clever bastards. Paving the way for Viagra product placement, perhaps?
Foot business aside, there are a few other lads who need to roll off the mountain, STAT. Michael, break-dancer boy, is a 12-year old boy. Someone needs to explain to him that he needn't be "on" all the time - and that it's extremely common for people to talk using their inside voices. Is it just me, or is he always screaming and saying things like "Booya!" "Hellsssss Yeah" and "DOOOODE?" Michael, my money's on you doing the worm on your way out next week. Let's hope the camera doesn't catch you spooning Tanner before you leave.
Jesse seems like a good guy - and who doesn't want a Wine Maker in the family? Hello, free wine? Poor pinup Jake. He's not getting any love, due to his utter perfectness-ess. I hope they show him shirtless at least once more before he gets the boot. Hey! Even a Jersey Gay Genius likes a little chiseled ab work every now and again.
I'm also a fan of Reid, he cleans up well - and he might be my dark-horse pick to make the final three. Kryptonite has a shot as well, if he can tone down the homo and lose the douchey headgear. My Magic 8 Ball says that Ed will suddenly re-appear before the finale, dragging his wilted rose back to the mansion. He'll realize that a shot a true love trumps IT work, blah blah blah and then we'll have a Bachelorette "crisis" in the making, blah blah blah. Enter more tears, more references to hot dog condiments and bad boys, more of Wes' bad tweed/acid washed suits and honky tonk twanging under the balcony. I'm hoping Wes hits a sour note soon. Helllls yeah! Love don't come easy Wes, not when you're wearing a suit that belonged to one of the Backstreet Boys, circa 1997.
Some words of advice for the Bachelors moving forward:
1) Enough already with the "babe" this and "babe" that. Jillian ain't yo' babe, honky.
2) Please refrain from calling Jillian and the other women you've dated "girls" - unless you were under 18
3) Keep your bromance spooning to yourselves
4) Make sure you choose ketchup and mustard and avoid the raw onions and relish at all costs.
* I was granted permission to use the words faggy, homo and gay more than 12 times throughout this post by the Legion of Homo Minions that oversee the blogging stratosphere due to my own certified homo status. No gays were harmed during this blog post.*
