I watched yet another painful episode of The Bachelorette last night. As predicted, there was a whole lot of crying, heartbreak and one tight camera shot of a melting, plastic Zorro mask. Ashley falls hard, she's made this abundantly clear. She also cries hard. The ugly, can't catch your breath kind of cry. Sometimes she cries in her bed under a purple comforter, in the wings of a theater, or while staring at Bentley's picture. More often than not, she can be found crying on a douchebag's shoulder, or on a soft, manly flannel in front of a faux fireplace. Bentley was "her guy" - and after just two short weeks of sitting on each others laps, she had found true and everlasting love.
Bentley may be gone for now, but I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him, his perfectly messy hair and his I know I'm sexy smirk. He played the Wes card and played it well. Given his villainous, raunchy confessions to the camera, he will absolutely be asked back for the next Bachelor Pad. Bentley and Bachelor were made for each other. Well played, Bentley from Utah. You smell like an actor and you look like one too.
So? What did we learn last night? Let's recap, shall we?
William is a cell phone salesman who aspires to be a stand up comedian. He also has a small weenie and it will be revealed in an upcoming episode involving a very euro Speedo.
Bentley has nice jeans, but could use a belt.
J.P. looks good in pajamas. He'd look even better out of them.
Ashley cried her eyebrows off and is in need of new glasses.
Ashley has three big insecurities and two of them were realized last night. So what the hell is the third insecurity? Don't leave me hanging, ABC. The fact that some of the men made fun of her small boobs, while childish and deplorable, does not seem to be on her top three list. Am I missing something? She feared the guys would be disappointed that the Bachelorette wasn't Hot Emily or Hot Chantal. (check) She also worried that some of the guys would turn around and leave the show, disappointed that she isn't Hot Emily or Hot Chantal. (check check).
So she isn't Hot Emily or Hot Chantal. Less than 1% of the population looks like Emily. Most of America thought Ashley would make an annoying, boring Bachelorette, and they were right. But what I've learned from watching this show, season after season, is that the show is very rarely about the Bachelor or Bachelorette themselves - the show is all about the contestants. Now that Bentley made such an early exit, ABC will have to cook up something extra scandalous to keep us interested. What could that be? Will Brad return? Will Bentley realize he's made a mistake and ask to come back? Will Ashley have to perform an emergency root canal on Chris Harrison? Will Ryan P. turn on the charm and rev up the "here for the wrong reasons" chorus? Whatever the next shocking twist, it's bound to create the perfect storm in Phuket. Bring it on, Be-yatchelorette. Bring it.
