If we were rock stars, this would all be so much easier. And no, I'm not referring to a never-ending selection of tight pants or on-call groupies. The rich and famous get a free pass when it comes to the monikers they choose for their offspring. Why is that? When Cher named her son Blue (he now goes by Phillips Exeter Blue I) was there a grandmother amongst them who hung her head in shame?
You want to name him what? Blue? What the hell is blue? No one should name a baby blue - that's the color you hope to avoid when the thing comes out, for Christ sake! I just knew that Gregg was smoking the mary jane.
Due to my many years of E Channel & Bravo TV wisdom, coupled with years of People magazine browsing, I think I've come up with a tried and true formula for naming celebrity babies. It's a lot like Yahtzee, actually.
Step 1: Choose a city or state. Need not be in the US.
Brooklyn, Halifax, Montana, Winnetka, Peoria, Saskatoon, Bruges, Columbus, Burlington
Step 2: Select 9 colors that might also double as swatches for Benjamin Moore paints.
Blush, Boysenberry, Slate, Midnight at the Oasis, Sunburst, Peppercorn Fiesta, Sweet Corn, Blossom, Safari
Step 3: Choose a helpless baby animal.
Fawn, Fledgling, Kit, Calf, Farrow, Cub, Foal, Joey, Pup
Step 4: Place all of the above in a tragically hip hat and shake.
Continue to select names until you've selected one color, one city/state, or one city/state and one helpless baby animal. In no time, you'll be Introducing Halifax, Safari and Peppercorn Fiesta Farrow. In my research, I've discovered that step three can also be replaced with a musical instrument or a fruit and/or vegetable, like so:
Sunburst Banjo, Midnight Plumb, Burlington Rhubarb, Sweet Corn Pan Flute.
Look out Rosie Pope, there's a new baby naming Sheriff in town! Now auditioning for a gay male assistant and/or Meshach Taylor, who played Hollywood in 1987's Mannequin. I wonder if he's available?