Holy fu**ing buckleberries! The royal baby is here! The royal baby is here!
I wonder how The Dutchess feels about the fact that her vagina is currently trending on twitter? Better yet, I wonder how Pippa feels about her sister's twatter on twitter? Pippa's on twitter and she's not pleased by all of the chitter about her twatter. Now that the baby is here, let's all just take a deep breath and jam your hype. Eat a crumpet, put on a jumper and don't get your royal bathers in a bunch.
I've learned a few things about proper celebrity baby naming procedure from the Shiloh's, Sparrows and Banjo's of the world, but naming a royal is a horse of a different colour. Celebrities, in particular rockers and A-list actors, tend to gravitate towards names with an overzealous combination of helpless baby animals, cities or states and a Benjamin Moore color palette. Place names from above categories into a greasy fedora once worn by Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden and shake. Whatever emerges in whatever order you draw the names will be the moniker of your next child. Presto! Meet Halifax Fawn Dakota or Poppyberry Breeze Bemidji.
To name a royal, there is a lot more history to consider, however.
The following is an actual conversation between Kate & William, whilst lying in bed, reading The Sun on their Royal Kindles:
William: How about Cnut?
Kate: Cnut? Are you mad?
William: What? Perfectly respectable name. He was the former King of England from 1016-1035
Kate: Cnut? King Canute? Do you think that sounds regal? I don't like how you can re-arrange the letters to spell the royal twattage, for one. I veto Cnut.
William: Royal Twattage. Right then. I hadn't considered that. Do you fancy Henry? Very regal, very strong, what do you reckon?
Kate: I have two words for you. Tudor Dynasty.
William: What about James?
Kate: Too Scottish.
William: George?
Kate: Lisp.
William: Richard?
Kate: If he goes to University in America, they'll call him Dick.
William: Alfred?
Kate: I've never known a well liked or coordinated Alfred. Alfred is the last child picked for Polo, he's not an heir.
William: Aethelwulf? From House of Essex?
Kate: I don't think I'd shag anyone called Aethelwulf, sorry loves.
William: We could call him Blue. Royal Blue, perhaps?
Kate: Too pedestrian.
There are names that say heir to the throne, and there are names that say heir to the greeter with nice abs at the Abercrombie and Fitch store. I have a hunch we won't have a royal Hunter, Addison, Ace, Maxwell, Sparrow, Jayden or Blake on our hands. The modern duo may pick something unexpected for the child, but it will still need to sound commanding. My royal pounds are on the name Spencer, in honor of Princess Diana. But that's just my non-royal hunch.