Megalodon: Meaning "big tooth" in Greek, is an extinct species of shark that lived approximately 28 to 1.5 million years ago during the Cenozoic Era.
Megalodong: Prehistoric shark the size of a Greyhound bus with balls that look like fur seals.
You need seal-sized balls to market this show as a documentary. Just as you'd need them to ram the underside of a large fishing boat, bite the tail off a humpback whale and act like an overall gnarly badass on Discovery Channel's Megalodon, last night's Shark Week premiere. What appeared to be a promising "scientific" documentary quickly swam into Sharknado territory, right down to the Ethan Hawkish marine biologist and his blonde sidekick, both actors with IMDB profiles. Everything was a bit bigger last night. Yet bigger, in this case, did not equal better. High production quality, HD Amazing Race style action shots, a 1-ton prop whale and even a 5-mile wide Chum Slick used to bring the monster to the surface. My chum slick brings all the sharks to the yard. I think Ethan Hawk was paid an extra 10 grand everytime he said the word Megalodon. I counted at least 26 references. That, or he's hoping to start his own Megalodon drinking game. Would have at least made tuning in with friends a bit more purposeful.
I prefer the shark attack survivor stories Discovery profiles over this Blair Witch Project meets Sharknado mockumentary. Highlighted clip above is worth every second, by the way. If only to see what this kid's hair looks like on a regular basis. He's a real live cartoon character. Aussie Surfie Sideshow Bob.
The way I see it, if someone's lost an arm or a leg and lives to tell, there's certainly an important lesson to be learned and wisdom to bestow. That lesson may be "don't dive for abalone when the water quality is murky" or "don't carry shrimp in your pocket while surfcasting, unless you want to be eaten by Bull Sharks in Florida" but that's a show that may actually save your life. The only thing Megalodon achieved? Trending on Twitter, but for all the wrong reasons.
I'm a Shark Week purist. Give me the Top 10 Deadliest, Air Jaws 5 or hell, give me The Science of Shark Sex even and I'll be happy. Just don't give me Jaws 3 and package it as Bowling for Columbine. Discovery Channel, if it weren't for sweet Grandpa Schnabel up at the Big Nugget Mine, I'd just tell you to go ahead and Bite Me.