Caught up on my Naked and Afraid viewing the other night.
I sat on the couch, wearing actual pants not woven from a banana leaf tree, and ate a savory slice of my homemade Boboli pizza. I won't lie to you. I quickly found myself longing for a side of giardia. Discovery Channel is really on to something genius here. One part Biggest Loser, one part I Shouldn't Be Alive, this show has all the makings of a hit show. No one really cares much about the sunburn or the cottonmouth snakes, the unrelenting rain or sea-urchins-as-meal scenes. What we really care about is the weight loss.
There are plenty of nutters out there who would happily walk through jaguar filled jungles with raw meat strapped to their balls, if it meant they could drop 45 pounds in 21 days. True, one guy nearly died drinking funky yellow fever infected water from a still pond. Now, I'm not a survivalist. But even I wouldn't drink funky water from a still pond - unless I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding and needed to drop 30 lbs in 2 weeks. If Discovery Channel pairs this show with Say Yes to the Dress, there's truly no stopping them. I vote that every Discovery Channel show should have a naked, uncensored edition. Deadliest Snatch? Check. Gold Rush: Unearthing the Gloryhole? Check. My favorite gold miners? Yes, they need to get naked too.
Jack Hoffman: Todd, get the dozer down here. We need to get to the bottom of this glory hole!
If you don't have 3 weeks to spare traipsing around with a naked stranger, I have the Naked & Afraid diet here for you to follow. *results may vary.
Naked & Afraid Diet, Suburban Edition
Remove clothing, exit house
Walk around in your backyard while holding a large stick, complain of bug bites and loud neighborhood children who insist on running across your fu**ing lawn
Attempt to weave yourself a pair of shorts out of recycled newspapers.
Fashion a bra out of Silk coconut creamer containers
Rub 2 rocks or 2 sticks together for 30 minutes, marvel at blisters in an attempt to light mulch on fire
Watch youtube videos of drunk frat boys lighting fart fires
Sleep in your child's sand pit or small plastic pool
Ask your neighbor if they have a Snickers bar when they pass you on the way to the garage in the morning
Drink standing rain water from the puddle in your driveway
Cue colonoscopy prep session