Jersey.Girl.Genius

Gays, Proms and Tuxes, Oh My!

Zach Posen has a new line for Target that he claims is inspired by Lesbian Proms.

Looks like he was more inspired by waifish heterosexual pigeon-toed models who need Forrest Gump leg braces and a few buckets of KFC.  How can she dance on an empty stomach ... and with those broken ankles to boot?  Had I worn the Posen pumps to my own Jersey prom, they would have wound up in the Hudson river, immediately following the slow dance to "Wonderful Tonight" on board the Spirit of New York.  Having said that, if I had seen a gay girl rock this amazing tux at my prom, I would have come out of the closet a few years early.  Well done, Posen.  But I think the majority of 18 year old lesbians may be more comfortable going to prom like this. 

There's been a lot of media attention around two high school lesbians, a tuxedo and the state of Mississippi.  Constance McMillen, otherwise known as Lil'Gay, was banned from taking her GF to the prom, which had been set for April 2, 2010.  Not only did school officials bar her from taking a member of the same sex,  they also objected to the notion of her wearing a tux.  Had a straight girl chosen to wear one of Posen's outfits, accompanied by her meathead, there likely wouldn't have been an uproar.  The tux is taking an awful lot of flack these days.  What's so threatening about tails and a top hat?  Personally, I prefer the Don Draper suit.  But the tux is timeless, classic dapper.

Constance soon found the ACLU and Roger Ebert (huh? the movie guy?) who have since sued the district.  In response, the school decided to cancel the prom all-together.  As if this kid's high school experience wasn't horrific enough, now she has the hatred of the entire student body to contend with, for "ruining their prom."  A facebook page has been started, presumably by the ACLU, calling for support of Constance and her quest to get drunk, have sex, throw up in the parking lot and generally do regrettable things at her prom, just like everyone else.  Please help her in her plight by showing your support as a fan. 

Ellen DeGeneres, friend to the gays and wife of a former Australian, will have Constance on her show on April 19.  I'm guessing Ellen may surprise Constance with a Zach Posen outfit, some post-prom treats, a free prom performance by Melissa Etheridge or perhaps an Olivia Cruise.  Nothing says gay prom like Olivia.  Perez Hilton also invited Constance out to California.  What for, I'm not quite sure.  But I digress.

Another Mississippi gay has been discriminated against, this time, for wanting to appear in the yearbook dressed in a tuxedo. 

The moral of the story here is obvious.  Don't live in Mississippi if you're gay.  They don't like you.  They don't want you going to prom - and god forbid - you request to wear a tux while attending.  This one is so ridiculous, it's really difficult to understand the thinking behind the most recent "banning."  If Ceara Sturgis wants to wear a tux in her senior picture, let the girl wear a tux.  She should have the same exact experience as everyone else.  Which will involve deep regret in 20 years for having opted for the Chad Rogers, from Bravo's Million Dollar Listing.  Give em' hell, Ceara!

The Vagina Monologues

Twilight twink Robert Pattinson felt compelled to over-share in his Details magazine cover-article this week, stating that he's "allergic to vaginas" and that he "really hates vaginas."  He also said that his deepest emotional relationship is with his dog.  Wow.  And I thought my peanut allergy was debilitating ...

New Moon grossed $294 million at the box office this year.  $293 million of which came from vaginas of all ages who camped out overnight to see the film's Vitamin D-deprived star.  Now kids, I'm not an allergy expert, but I do think Pattinson should try acupuncture.  STAT.  It might help him build up resistance and avoid breaking out in hives, especially on those long press tours, when he's surrounded by multi-national vaginas at every turn.  Better yet, he should ask Kristen Stewart how she manages to keep her penis allergy so hush hush.  Look, I saw Panic Room.  And I know a future gay when I see one ... Had to snicker when I saw Joan Jett talking about how much she and Stewart have in common while at Sundance last month.  Let's see .... they both like: wearing high-top Chucks, black hoodies, black jackets, black eye makeup, smoking cigarettes, skinny jeans.  Oh yes, and both are huge fans of vagina.  I'd venture to say they even heart vaginas.

On the other end of the spectrum this past week, we have the Dalai Lama of vagina worship.  John "D Bag" Mayer and his now infamous Rolling Stone and Playboy magazine confessions.  What did Mayer do, I wonder, to recover so quickly from his exposure to "Agent V" or, as he puts it, Jessica Simpson's sexual napalm? Mayer, you're a tool.  After what many consider to be a baffling "over-exposure" to A-List vagina, I'm guessing he must now carry an Epi Pen to avoid adverse reactions. His penis is a wonderland for gonorrhea.  Just wish he'd shut his damn pie-hole.  Give me those promise ring posers the Jonas Brothers any day, over the vaginaphobic vamp and the douchey manwhore.  I'm allergic to the tasteless over-share.  Best pop a Benadryl.

The Rebound

I don't know if it's a summer thing or an epidemic in these parts, but so many of my friends swap girlfriends like I pop Listerine breath strips. No halitosis problems here folks, just a fan of good grooming and a mouth that smells like a minty forest.

Not only do the girlfriends change hands, but they often wind up vacationing together. I've witnessed them watching each other's dogs and feeding each other's cats and sometimes, they even go on double dates together. When you need that new fence in the backyard installed, it's oftentimes the handy ex with the big truck and a wicked set of tools to the rescue. Are we maladjusted? Or is it a blessing that we can find this kind of harmony, long after the initial flame has lost its spark?

I don't know many straight couples who pal around with their exes, let alone, hop on over to Antigua with them. But then again, they don't have a genetic mutation that makes them long for Menard's and Home Depot quite like we do. It takes a village to build a fence, you know.

One aspect of dating that I'd like to point out, is our inability to embrace the rebound for what it is - ephemeral. Seems as though many of the aforementioned friends are now coupled with the partner who truly should have been the one night stand. If my two cents are worth anything, lesbians need to take a cue from our gay boy counterparts. It's ok to sleep with someone, just once, if you wake to find that said one night stand is sporting a nice rack, but only three tired little brain cells.

The Rebound Girl is an important stepping stone in the quest for coupled bliss. You have to know what you don't want in order to get clear on what you do want. Nothing like sleeping with a box o' rocks to set you on the right course. Much like your treasured pair of faded, broken in jeans, the rebound is never truly meant to last. She is often welcomed into your bed based on physical attributes alone and can oftentimes be spotted in a crowd if displaying some or all of the following characteristics:

Great body
Brain power equal to that of a flight pigeon
Snappy dresser
Has a drinking and or gambling problem
Owns an American sports car
Votes Republican
Was and/or aspired to be a cast member on The Real World
Currently studying for her G.E.D.
Favorite movie of all time? Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

-JGG