Jersey.Girl.Genius

Snoop Dog Discovers the True Meaning of Vanilla

Thanks to my taller half - I stumbled across a recorded episode of a very stoned, sunglasses clad Snoop Dog on Martha Stewart today.  Martha and Snoop go together like ... well, The Olsen Twins & a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast.  Fo'shizzle, my izzles.  The goal of the gastronomy?  To bake green brownies. 

Double up on the chocolate, top with green icing sugar and add a side of "go ahead snoop, rap while you do this."  Martha awkwardly refers to Snoop's 16 iPhone apps a few times, stating that he has a GPS application that gives you directions in rap. As if rap is a language setting.  Hmm.... Should I get my directions in German, Dutch or Rap?  She obviously has never had her shizzle dizzled, because she wouldn't know rap if it suckled on her vanizzle.

Painful to watch through and through, but this snippet made it all worthwhile.  Remember kids, no sticks, no seeds, no stems! 

The Scoop on GOOP

Gwyneth Paltrow has a website.  The website is called GOOP, sporting a wank-a-rific tag-line that reads: 

Nourish The Inner Aspect. 

I once worked with a guy that we secretly called Goop.  My former boss coined the name, which doesn't say much for leading by example, but I found it fitting none the less.  He was an uber-pasty, arrogant Nord with nearly translucent skin.  Whenever questioned about his work, and this happened often, he'd raise his bushy eyebrows and open those goopy eyes as wide as can be and mutter something that only a slapdick could.  I wasn't a fan of The Goop, nor did he care much for me.  Once he figured out that I was smarter than him, things got ugly quickly.  Goop was eventually fired for having a complete pasty meltdown (he told the CEO to go *bleep* herself.  Classy.)  That was the end of Goop, or so I thought.  Until Miss Eating Her Way Through Spain showed up with a new URL.

Maybe it's the name that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  Or perhaps it's just the fact that Gwyn takes herself oh so seriously, as if she's just given birth to Oprah.  In-between plugs for NYC doctors who cater to our circadian rhythms and suprachiasmatic nuclei and full body cleanses to help you detox properly, there are recipes.  Like this one, for Cornish Game Hen:

Roasted Poussins and Potatoes

Here I use salt from Mallorca that’s infused with hibiscus – it’s floral and delicious, but regular salt is more than okay.

SERVES: 2
TIME: 1 hour

2 poussins (Cornish hens) coarse salt 1 lemon 1 clove finely minced garlic 1 tablespoon butter, softened 1/2 teaspoon Mallorcan hibiscus salt freshly ground black pepper a dozen small creamer potatoes 1 tablespoon olive oil 1/2 teaspoon finely chopped fresh thyme

Ok Gwyn.  Calmate.  We know you speak French.  And Spanish.  No need to rub it in my face with your Poussins.  What else are you rubbing?  Hibiscus infused salt from Mallorca.  Available in every corner deli in Manhattan!  Well, not quite.  Way to make me feel like a stanky minion for having a lifetime supply of Morton's in the cabinet.  Will my meal still taste as pretentiously delicious without it?

Just for giggles, I signed up for the GOOP newsletter.  I love receiving inspiring little messages from Gwyn about how I need to Go, Be, Do, See, Get, Make any number of things.  Most of all, I love how Gwyneth fancies herself The Gandhi of Soho and I just can't resist.

Funny clip from the PBS show below, where everyone is discussing their favorite foods.  Watch as Gwyn almost hurls when they start talking about HAM.  Priceless.  She can barely stomach the carb-laden crostini she's eating, let alone, think about eating ham on a daily basis.  It's all in the "WOW."  And the accompanying grimace.

I'm on to you, Paltrow.  The jig is up. 

Jersey's Oscar Party Treats

We had a few friends over on Sunday night, for no other reason than to heckle Seacrest and huff poisonous blow darts at Miley Cyrus.  Yvette took a few snaps of the table setup.  Wanted you to see some of the oscar-themed goodies we were peddling. 

3 Parts Milk Chocolate Godiva
1 Part Vanilla Vodka
I Tablespoon Vanilla Ice Cream
Ice Ice Ice

*Shake angrily while wearing tight jeans & holding a bullhorn*

Warning.  If you shake the above martini in a metallic or aluminum shaker for more than five seconds, you might experience life threatening finger frostbite.  It's the bloody ice cream.   So creamy, yet so COLD. After a few shakes, I resorted to shaking while wearing gloves.  I was feeling quite self-congratulatory and in no way embarrassed by my need for mitts.  Yes, do try this at home.  I encourage it openly.

Wanted to make my Mickey Rourke "Robbing The Cradle" Martinis, but could not find "shaved essence of Even Rachel Wood" on the liquor store shelf.  According to Ryan Seacrest, her essence smells like a certain Benefit perfume.  Uh huh.  And baby jesus' tears.

There were also Feta & Sundried Tomato Benjamin Button Stuffed Mushrooms to be had.

12 Big ass button mushroom
Shove Feta inside big ass shroom
Insert Sundrieds into big ass shroom
Sprinkle Salt & Pepper to taste
Drizzle with olive oil

Bake at 375 for 20 minutes or until smoke alarm sounds

Our Slumdogs in a Blanket turned out well.  No pictures because we ate them all before the camera came out.  I know you're scared.  But you needn't slave over little smokies and Pillsbury crescent roll dough in order to create the perfect snack.  Just take a leap of faith (and your overpriced $50 Costco Membership Card to the warehouse) and pick up a bag of Hebrew National Frozen Bagel Dogs.  Yvette was skeptical at first, but wound up coming back for more.  Holla!  Birkat Hazan.