Jersey.Girl.Genius

The Vagina Monologues

Twilight twink Robert Pattinson felt compelled to over-share in his Details magazine cover-article this week, stating that he's "allergic to vaginas" and that he "really hates vaginas."  He also said that his deepest emotional relationship is with his dog.  Wow.  And I thought my peanut allergy was debilitating ...

New Moon grossed $294 million at the box office this year.  $293 million of which came from vaginas of all ages who camped out overnight to see the film's Vitamin D-deprived star.  Now kids, I'm not an allergy expert, but I do think Pattinson should try acupuncture.  STAT.  It might help him build up resistance and avoid breaking out in hives, especially on those long press tours, when he's surrounded by multi-national vaginas at every turn.  Better yet, he should ask Kristen Stewart how she manages to keep her penis allergy so hush hush.  Look, I saw Panic Room.  And I know a future gay when I see one ... Had to snicker when I saw Joan Jett talking about how much she and Stewart have in common while at Sundance last month.  Let's see .... they both like: wearing high-top Chucks, black hoodies, black jackets, black eye makeup, smoking cigarettes, skinny jeans.  Oh yes, and both are huge fans of vagina.  I'd venture to say they even heart vaginas.

On the other end of the spectrum this past week, we have the Dalai Lama of vagina worship.  John "D Bag" Mayer and his now infamous Rolling Stone and Playboy magazine confessions.  What did Mayer do, I wonder, to recover so quickly from his exposure to "Agent V" or, as he puts it, Jessica Simpson's sexual napalm? Mayer, you're a tool.  After what many consider to be a baffling "over-exposure" to A-List vagina, I'm guessing he must now carry an Epi Pen to avoid adverse reactions. His penis is a wonderland for gonorrhea.  Just wish he'd shut his damn pie-hole.  Give me those promise ring posers the Jonas Brothers any day, over the vaginaphobic vamp and the douchey manwhore.  I'm allergic to the tasteless over-share.  Best pop a Benadryl.

Schweddy Balls

It's been nearly ten years since Pete Schweddy brought his tender balls to NPR's Delicious Dish.

Thought it might be time to take a trip down good ol' gonad lane, given the release of a surprising new ball-related product called: ManJunk.  While there is apparently no known cure for funky spunk, there is something new to the market that can help the Pete Schweddys of the world avoid that not so fresh feeling.

Active ingredients are Jojoba and Tea Tree Oil which are "known to fight sweat and odor while increasing confidence and sex appeal."  That's right ladies, help is on the way.  Your schweddy love nuggets will now smell like a cross between a green tree air freshener, an Aveda facial and a handful of stale corn nuts. 

Know someone who could use a little pick me up? Send them a ManJunk Dirty Gram.

One part William Shatner, one part Inside The Actor's Studio (The Hugh Hefner edition), this video can be embedded into a Facebook page, emailed to a stanky lover or sent as SMS via Sprint PCS.  There's also another video on the ManJunk site made specifically for Facebook that allows users to proclaim undying love for ManJunk - while inviting their friends to "poke them" now that their junk is significantly devoid of skunk.  Or is it?  For $25, you too can put your balls to the test.  Does your junk still skunk?

The marketing nerd in me is anxious to see just how far the ManJunk brand can expand.  I for one think they should launch ShiftEase: "For men who can't commit to the right or the left."  There are indeed many shifty culprits out there who adjust their balls as often and as freely as I check the crackberry - which can happen about two or three times a minute.   Shifties like to hang out on the bus, while bagging my groceries at Kowalski's and can also be found delivering FedEx and UPS packages to my doorstep.  (In their defense, those teeny FedEx shorts give me a rash just looking at them.  Not a lot of room to conquer the world, let alone, on time.  But I digress.)  

Good on ya, ManJunk.