Twilight twink Robert Pattinson felt compelled to over-share in his Details magazine cover-article this week, stating that he's "allergic to vaginas" and that he "really hates vaginas." He also said that his deepest emotional relationship is with his dog. Wow. And I thought my peanut allergy was debilitating ...
New Moon grossed $294 million at the box office this year. $293 million of which came from vaginas of all ages who camped out overnight to see the film's Vitamin D-deprived star. Now kids, I'm not an allergy expert, but I do think Pattinson should try acupuncture. STAT. It might help him build up resistance and avoid breaking out in hives, especially on those long press tours, when he's surrounded by multi-national vaginas at every turn. Better yet, he should ask Kristen Stewart how she manages to keep her penis allergy so hush hush. Look, I saw Panic Room. And I know a future gay when I see one ... Had to snicker when I saw Joan Jett talking about how much she and Stewart have in common while at Sundance last month. Let's see .... they both like: wearing high-top Chucks, black hoodies, black jackets, black eye makeup, smoking cigarettes, skinny jeans. Oh yes, and both are huge fans of vagina. I'd venture to say they even heart vaginas.
On the other end of the spectrum this past week, we have the Dalai Lama of vagina worship. John "D Bag" Mayer and his now infamous Rolling Stone and Playboy magazine confessions. What did Mayer do, I wonder, to recover so quickly from his exposure to "Agent V" or, as he puts it, Jessica Simpson's sexual napalm? Mayer, you're a tool. After what many consider to be a baffling "over-exposure" to A-List vagina, I'm guessing he must now carry an Epi Pen to avoid adverse reactions. His penis is a wonderland for gonorrhea. Just wish he'd shut his damn pie-hole. Give me those promise ring posers the Jonas Brothers any day, over the vaginaphobic vamp and the douchey manwhore. I'm allergic to the tasteless over-share. Best pop a Benadryl.
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