Jersey.Girl.Genius

Take Your Mom To Work Day

I'm in NY and NJ again.  Back to the homeland!  When did it become July in April?  No one told me about this.  Fact:  No one likes a girl with a sweaty upper lip.  Mmmmm, sexy.  I'd like spring to return please.  The Polar Bears and I are a little put out.

I'm here to see a well-known CPG company to peddle my goods.  Added a few days tacked on at the end to spend some quality time with my fam, little bro, my sister-in-law and their adorable kidlets.   For the three of you who read this blog who don't know me in real life; I do have a day job.  I sell Facebook & mobile app development, strategy & sponsorships.  When not working from home, braless, sporting Nick Nolte on a bender hair, I can be found (showered & smashing) with my loyal sidekick (aka, business partner Chris) plotting to take over the world, one deal at a time. 

Traveling under my own steam, without the bankroll of a big corporate travel budget, can be highly entertaining.  Gone are the days of The Driskill Hotel (and their Gingersnap Pancakes, RIP) while staying in Austin for SXSWi. Until the new company is sustainable, I will crash in my 4 year-old-nephew's bunk bed in Carroll Gardens or at other gems like The Hampton Inn, Giants Stadium (which, incidentally, smells a lot like cow manure).  I prefer the bunk bed in Brooklyn.  A special shout out to Ikea, who has made a very sturdy piece of kid furniture, suitable for a 35-year old who is fond of penne ala vodka and the occasional rice krispy treat binge. The first time I climbed the bädd's mini ladder,  I was sure the entire thing would come tumbling down.  I'd land on top of the GeoTrax Village and the Pixar Cars collection.  Oofta.  I'm glad my brother is handy.

The Ginbomb drove me to the big meeting on Tuesday morning.  Picked me up in her green Subaru so I wouldn't have to rent a car, and off we went to Wheat Thin Falls.  There are several things I enjoy about bring your mom to work day. 

#1 - Howard Stern is on her satellite radio all day long.  While I cannot call myself a superfan, I do enjoy watching my mom get hysterical over the questions he asks his guests.  During our 40 minute ride, I learned far more about Tiger Woods' mistresses than I thought possible.  I also learned that my mom knows every character on his show.  She's like Rain Man when it comes to Howard Stern.  High Pitch Erik, Underdog Lady, Artie, Baba Booey.  Dear Artie: Ginny sincerely hopes you make a full recovery.  She's read your book and thinks you had a rough childhood.  He really doesn't hold back, that Howard.  On this particular episode, Howard kept asking Robin if she'd let Martina Navratilova perform various sexual acts on her.  I realize this is why it's become increasingly more difficult to shock and surprise the ginbomb.  She's heard it all. I actually think it's time for a new Howard Stern character: Jersey Ginny.

The man at the front desk at Snackville asked if my mom would be joining me in the meeting, and if so, he'd need her photo ID.  I was tempted to invite her in to observe, but then again, she had her NY Post and was eagerly awaiting the opening of the corporate store, where all niblets were 50% off.  This brings me to #2 on my list. 

Shopping for food at a deep discount with someone who lives for a good bargain. 

I felt like I was strolling Wonka's chocolate factory with Violet Beauregard.  The only hiccup, trying to calculate how long we could keep veggie burgers in suspended animation before they reached the point of no return.  Ginny thought it too risky and lamented the fact that we did not think to bring a cooler.  That's not normally at the top of my checklist before heading to the airport, but next time I promised we'd plan ahead.  Thank god for the non-perishables.  A few chocolate bars, crackers, snack bars, nuts and drink mixes later, Violet was in heaven.

My mom may not fully understand what I do for a living, but she does understand shopping and watching Dancing With The Stars together.  Every time Kate Gosselin dances, Baby Jesus cries.  Ginny's a woman who enjoys her perks (be it Wheat Thins for a dollar, a 50 cent pair of Coach butterscotch loafers or fair judging from Bruno).  While I'm making the transition from employee to business owner, I thought I'd miss some of the perks of corporate life, but I don't.  My last company didn't have a take your mom to work day.  I think they're missing out.  We could all benefit from a little drive-thru Dunkin Donuts, The NY Post at breakfast and a detailed sexual history of Tiger Woods' mistresses from time to time.  I won't lie.  It's always nice to hear (insert jersey accent here) you look dynamite in that suit.  Knock em' dead, kiddo.

Mom on Snack Shopping

The QVC Intervention

The following is an actual voice mail message I received from my mom, in which she lays out her devious plan to have me sell her second-hand shopping contraband on Ebay. I had called her to make sure she wasn't buying Barry Manilow's album from QVC. Did I mention that my mom doesn’t own a computer? I'd like you to note the proper use of the word douche as well.

Ginny

My mom loves to shop. She also loves Howard Stern, Flea Markets, her two fat cats, Air America and Red White and Blue, her favorite second-hand store. She's a rare bird, our Ginny. How many 65 year-old women would openly admit to loving Howard Stern?

Mom: Oh gawd, honey, Howard had these lesbian mud wrestlers on this morning. I was hysterical. I could hardly drive, I was laughing so hard. You should really listen to him. Why don’t you listen to his show?

Me: Why did he have lesbian mud wrestlers on? What were they doing?

Mom: He was challenging women to beat up Stuttering John. They weren’t making out or strippin’ or anything. There was a line out the door and around the block with listeners willing to wrestle Stuttering John. I guess Stuttering John is kinda weak, because these women pinned him – you know - BOOM - one two, three, he was down. I felt bad for him. They were all making fun of him.

There was a time in her not-so-distant past when she listened to both Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly. I refer to this dark time as the pre-enlightenment era. It was right around the time when Prez Bush was asking Americans to boycott the purchase of French wine and cheese and to only refer to french fries as Freedom Fries. Ginny then came out and proclaimed that she would stop buying French wine and cheese, waving the American flag, determined to teach the French a lesson for not supporting le prez in his "to hell with the UN" warlord antics. It was all the Rush and Bill brainwashing talking. I had to remind her that her Gallo by the jug is made in California and shredded parm from Pathmark was far more Jersey than it is French.

I think my mom listened to Rush and Bill because she was bored. They were on her TV and in her living room, they said things with conviction while wearing nice-looking ties, things that must have resonated in Cat Condo land. Boredom, as I've come to appreciate vicariously through my mom's lazy approach to politics, bred this insanity. It wasn't until I gave her a few Michael Moore books and she devoured Stupid White Men that she came to her senses. I'm now proud to report that the pre-enlightenment days were rough, but brief. She's now as PFLAG toutin’, Obama loving, president bashing as they come. The transformation was pretty extreme. She would have won, had she been a brainwashed O’Reilly drone on some political equivalent of The Swan.

My mom's go-to hobby and adrenaline junkie fix still comes from shopping. This malady she has not been cured of. Pair shopping with her love of mind numbing television, and you'll find her obsession with QVC. I was disturbed a few years ago to find that my mom actually knew the names of the women who sold certain products on QVC:

Mom: Sally The Birkenstock Lady was on last night. She had a funny ponytail done up on the side, I think it was 80’s night or something. Anyway, she was talking about how the shoes were originally made in Germany. Did you know that? Remember when you wanted a pair and they cost about a hundred bucks back when you went to college? I bought a pair and I’m so excited to get them, they were ranting about how comfortable these things are. It was a steal. I paid my first installment of $19.99 today.

Me: What do you mean, you paid your first installment? They bill you monthly? And then you pay shipping too?

Mom: Yeah, but, you know. You don’t have to cough it up all at once. And they sell them for less than they cost in the store.

Me: You’re scaring me. What else are you buying on QVC? Give it up.

Mom: Come on, I’m not going crazy or anything. Just a few things here and there.

Me: Like what? Spill it.

Mom: Well, I bought some delicious Omaha Steaks last week and put one on the grill. You wouldn’t believe how tender this meat is. Phenomenal. I wish you could try this steak. Smokey loved it.

Me: You bought steak on QVC? And then paid to have it shipped to your house? That’s ridiculous mom. Why don’t you just drive to Trader Joe’s? You shouldn’t be feeding steak to your cats, mom. They already weigh 30 pounds.

Mom: Listen, don’t get crazy. They don’t carry these steaks at Trader Joe’s and the quality is unbelievable. Smokey isn’t 30 pounds. He’s on a diet. I stopped giving him turkey breast from Shop Rite.