Jersey.Girl.Genius

Gaiken Like Me

BREAKING NEWS from the crew here at Jersey.Girl.Genius.

In a stunning turn of events, singer and American Idol fan favorite Clay Aiken has just come out of the closet. Quoted in my favorite crack mag People, Gaiken stated that he expects the news may overwhelm some of his fans.

Overwhelm? Perhaps. If you were raised by wolves and like to tay in da win. Or, if you live in Elmore City, Oklahoma, your daddy's a preacher man and the town has just banned dancing and rock music.

I was shocked to learn that he's a Born Again Christian, however. Isn't he breaking a thousand evangelical laws like thou shalt not use hair extensions and thou shalt not perform musical theater? Not to mention the dreaded thou shalt not aspire to look like chastity bono and/or Entertainment Tonight's Cojo. I think it's time to play a little game that I call: Spot The Real Gaiken

Is it exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E:

I'll select one winner at random, who will receive a $50 gift certificate to International Male. Be sure to include your pick in the comments section.

Matthew McConaughey Has Baby, Becomes Jesus

I find it hilarious that Matthew McConaughey (who we will now only refer to as Jesus) is never snapped by The Pap wearing a shirt. Whether he's eating at Nobu, hanging out w/ fully clothed women wearing Armani couture or filming a scene for his next flick in Australia, the guy always has his beautiful man pecs on display. Can you blame him? If my stomach looked like this, I'd consider clothing optional too. I'd offer up my six-pack abs to house your smorgasbord sushi platter. Yes, use me as a plate. Go ahead, eat off my impressive work of art ab nuggets if you must. Hold the wasabi.

Many of People's Sexiest Men Alive have procreated before - so why all the hoopla over Jesus? I have some theories.

#1) There's an obvious scientific correlation between uber sexiness and paternal competence.

Ugly celebrity dads get no love. I didn't realize that Jack Black had a baby until pics popped up of the toddler playing at the park recently. The kid has a full set of teeth already! No baby picture madness over Nacho Libre's offspring, no bidding war vs. People and OK! magazine. No question, he's a worthless father devoid of joy. While we like staring at Jesus' sculpted body while hitting the waves off Malibu, we will drool even more readily over pictures of him sporting his sexy spawn ala Baby Bjorn, while strolling through Whole Foods.

#2) We go ape shit over (former gigalo party boy) celebrity dads who are both sexy AND sensitive environmental warriors.

Ecorazzi just reported that Jesus decided to keep the baby's placenta and looks forward to returning it to the earth. He's planning on planting it beneath a tree in an orchard in Australia. Come on Jesus. Just buy a Prius! Must you always "one up" all of the celebrity greenies? Where will that leave sensitive greenies like Sting? Bono? Dave Matthews? They'll now be forced to BUY the orchard, donate it to a nonprofit and start a green placenta exchange program with India.