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Michael Jackson's Big Bang

Nerds around the world are rejoicing today.

According to the BBC, scientists have hailed a successful switch-on for an enormous experiment which will recreate the conditions a few moments after the Big Bang. You can read the full article here if you feel like getting your geek on.

I caught a documentary about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) on Nova a year or so ago and was struck by the scale and astronomical cost of the project, which has now reached several billion dollars. Hmm, let's see. What should we do here .... fart around with the idea of shooting particles at each other for 13 years or invest in universal health care? Now there's a quandary.

One of the stated World of Warcraft type goals of the project is to isolate the particle called the Higgs boson or God Particle. According to the theory, particles acquire their mass through interactions with an all-pervading field carried by the Higgs.
Oh boy! We'll get to see ol' Higgsyboy in action! Wooohoooo! Getting excited yet??? Me neither.

What would get me excited, however; is if someone could please take Michael Jackson's $1.5 million dollar grundies off of Ebay and place them inside of the Hadron Collider. This way, we could really see what the conditions were like in his pants during his infamous 2003 trial. What would we find? Quarks, Leptons, Leprechauns, Unicorns, Llama hair, Purple Clovers, Bubbles the Chimp, three white sequins, a tube of bleaching cream and a small sip of Pepsi. Now that would make some good baaad TV.

Things I've Learned From Shark Week.

Move over Oprah!

My TIVO has a new crush this week, and his name is Les Stroud. I've recorded 7 sharky shows in all, featuring juicy nuggets like "Survivorman: Surviving Sharks" and "Sharkman" - a new, two hour tonic-immobility potpourri, featuring some of the most amazing stunts, interesting factoids and unbelievable shark encounters I've ever seen. Sadly, Discovery Channel did re-run many of the same programs they've shown previously. It would have been nice to see a few more new additions, but can you really blame them? I, for one, am happy that they don't have heaps of new material to work with when it comes to shows like "When Great Whites Attack." I’ll watch the Australian abalone guy and his stoner son with the Sideshow Bob fro once more any ol’ day if it means another year went by without another attack.

For those of you who are not obsessed with Shark Week like I am, thought I'd break down some of the very basic tips and observations here for your reading pleasure. After all, it's the very least I can do to ensure that your next trip to the Florida Panhandle or Australia's SW coast doesn't end in bloody chaos.

1. I would rather sit with a giant bull’s-eye on my head in the stands at a fiery air show, or work a double shift in a poorly ventilated coal mine, than be forced to dive for Abalone in Australia. G'day, Great White.

2. If you're swallowed head first by a shark, and it hasn't also swallowed both of your arms, proceed to poke it in the eye. By poke, I mean punch and claw. It doesn't like to be poked in the eye. Neither do I. Poke Poke Poke

3. If you resemble a seal, sea lion or a large dog while swimming or floating, you have no business being in the water. Find another hobby while you're on vacation.

4. So we know that sharks don't like to be poked in the eye, but apparently, some like to be stroked on the snout. How the hell did someone figure this out without being EATEN ALIVE?

5. Your first aid kit should include an emergency tourniquet if you plan to attempt any the above. Which I am by no means recommending. How To Stop Blood Loss Wiki, 101

6. If you find yourself "surf casting" in knee-deep water with bloody shrimp and tuna bait in your pocket, you deserve to be eaten. This is the mindless equivalent to strapping raw, bloody T-Bones around your neck and then wondering why the Rottweilers won't stop chasing you.

Many more interesting tidbits and accidental nibbles can be found on endless repeat. See The Discovery Channel for a full lineup of Shark Week programs here: Shark Week Program Listing